Farmer Wants a Wife recap: We meet Alex, Harry, Nick, Neil and Sam and all 40 of their potential future wives
The red dirt, the akubras, the looking at sunsets, the excessive amount of needless crouching.
It can only be one thing – it’s either a documentary about sheep you will not watch or it is our favourite dating show -- FARMER WANTS A WIFE!
Yes, it’s back, five farmers looking for a missus and women across Australia, who have looked up their profiles online and thought: “Sure, news from the bush usually involves drought, depression, flood and fire, but he’s a bit of alright, sign me up cobber!”
Let’s meet this year’s lovelorn Farmers.
We have Alex, a sheep and cattle farmer from Queensland who has to set his Tinder radius at 160km. This means he mainly matches with Ewes and not who he would really like, which is… youse.
Alex’s farm is in the middle of nowhere, it’s dusty, hot and has a lot of flies.
“There is something about isolation that is quite romantic,” he says. Sure, but you’re the bloke on a TV show to find a girlfriend buddy so...
There is Harry, a cotton, wheat, sheep and grape farmer NSW. Harry has a haircut straight out of 2003 and a beard that is far too attached to his neck. Good hat game though.
Harry says he is: “looking for a girl like a John Deer tractor”. So… green?
Harry says the lack of rain has meant he has plenty of time on his hands, so why not go on a reality TV show to try and find a wife?
Quite frankly, there’s an angle on the drought you just don’t see enough of in Country Hour, amiright ABC?
Farmer Nick is a hipster from Tassie who grows wine grapes. Nick spent 27 years in LA and is SO LA and therefore will henceforth be known as Hollywood.
Farmer Neil raises sheep in NSW. He is a divorced father of three and is already striking us as worryingly normal.
Finally we have Sam from Queensland who farms tropical fruit and sugarcane and is a Sicilian boy. He identifies strongly with his Italian roots and says he will marry whoever his mother approves of.
Now to the women. The farmers have chosen eight women from the online applications to meet. The women strut into the barn and the farmers give them the once over like prize cattle.
And we have immediately found our spirit animal, her name is Marnie and she is glorious.
The farmers branch off into separate areas to “date” each of the eight women who have applied to meet them.
Marriage celebrant Liz thinks she would make a good match for Nick aka Hollywood, because people like getting married at vineyards.
And yes, this might seem like more of a business proposition than a romance, but when you’ve talked down that many nervous brides and shaky grooms you know romance is dead. What you really need in a relationship is a solid business proposition.
She’s not alone, Chontelle has never been on a date before, but she’s a sheep farmer so she has matched herself with fellow sheep farmer Nick figuring if nothing else they can talk about sheep.
Over on Farmer Alex’s couch, the boy from Queensland is demonstrating exactly how romantic isolation can make you.
“You have gorgeous eyes,” Alex says to one of his women with a solid: “I’d like to keep them in my freezer” vibe.
One of the women meeting Alex has never been to a farm before but once went to an interactive “farm style” exhibit where she got to milk a cow. Wonder how she’ll go with the romantic isolation of remote Queensland.
Sam attempts to marry every woman who walks through the door. A producer has to wrestle engagement rings off him out of frame.
Harry likes fellow farmer Stacey and we are reminded the reason Farmer Wants a Wife is so much more wholesome than other dating shows is that there is a reassuring amount of sheep chat.
And before you can say “Strewth Sheila!” It’s decision time. Each farmer has to pick four ladies out of the eight to bring home to the farm.
Alex picks Henrietta, Brittney, Jessica and Sarah. Nick, in possibly a slightly age inappropriate selection, picks Naomi, Liz, Emma and thank goodness, Marnie!
Sam picks Emily and then, before announcing his second pick, says: “I didn’t think much of her when I first saw her, but she has a beautiful personality” and then names Riley. Wow. Smooth Sam, real smooth. He also picks Kirsten and Sophie.
Farmer Neil picks Meghan, Chontelle, Justine and Karissa.
Farmer Harry, who is looking for a Nicole Appleton to compliment his Liam Gallagher, selects Madison, and then to round things out, picks farm girl Stacey Ashleigh who is from WA so we’re backing her, and Karlana.
The farmers are told they can each choose one of the women to take home to the farm alone for 24 hours and they all panic and grab the first girl they see.
Until tomorrow night for more romance and cattle talk, cowboys.
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